Past-Forward

To my Past Ties,
Perhaps Helping Me Toward my Future Potentials...

I sit here and look at your picture, saddened by my loss… but you have not died, you are still near but so very far away. For a brief while I knew you, I saw into the depths of your soul for only a brief moment and then it was gone, wiped out, I was turned away...

You said there was nothing romantic about me, nothing that draws your attention to me, yet we were drawn close enough to be good friends, maybe too close, too close too soon. Should I have played your game? Should I have hidden my feelings, buried them deep inside, pretended only to be friends, that I never desired any more. Where would we be now if I had; still friends, still close, would I have had a better chance if I hadn’t begin to let my passion for more get the best of me?

I was never suave, never charismatic, but never more or less than myself. I tried to give what I could in the beginning, but not knowing how you felt stabbed me like a cold knife, keeping me from expressing my affection in ways I would have rather done, instead of leaving your hand cold, maybe leaving your heart not beating as fast as I could have made it go.

Friends Friends Friends, every female always wants to be friends, or so they claim... but time always tells the truth, time does not lie, the actions of a person always tells their true intention or at least tells their fears.

I never wished not to be friends. I never wished for things to be awkward or complicated. I never wanted things to be the way they are - I just wanted to know if there was a possibility, if there was some interest, some mutual affection, and some possible reciprocity of my feelings.

Now all I feel is an inner coldness. I tried being friends; I tried putting myself out there but found myself hearing the echoes of my own voice, with no return of words. I wrote messages but they come back void and empty. Sometimes I text-ed but received the answer of busy to all my wanderings. Why did I feel I must try so hard? Would I try harder if you were just another friend? Is not that what we were supposed to be? Is the stress worth it? Did my emotions and my feelings matter? Or as the guy am I supposed to not care, just letting my friendship drop because life made things difficult.

I cannot do it anymore. I have tried. Sometimes I still want to try. I do not regret the short time we spent together hanging out, laughing at life, at stupid movies, and those conversations we had with one another into the night and over the phone. But it is all gone now, it is all in the past, now only a memory... and the days that go by and we talk less and less, if at all, I find those memories fading fast, just like my feelings have been doing for a long time.

Sometimes the only way to get over the past is to let it go maybe, to ignore it ever happened, maybe to pass it off as a fling, a mistake, something that did not really ever matter at all. Maybe if I lie to myself and pretend it did not hurt, pretend I did not feel severed from some emotional tie I had to you, maybe pretend we were never even friends. Maybe that is what it comes down to, for the sake of my own healing. Should it be? Pretend I never knew you that way?

Oh, letting go, not just of those passionate feelings I had but being forced to let go of you as a friend. It feels like something I must do, something I have to do, if not for your sanity every time I called or messaged you, for my own sanity as well. Why do things have to turn out this way? Why can't people just find joy in another person? Why can't we ever seem to get past the pain or rejection or awkwardness? You may have said you were busy before, but I was busy trying to be your friend, trying to hold on to something, something that maybe no longer existed, something that was only a happy social facade so we would not have to feel bad, so we wouldn’t have to explain it to anyone or even ourselves.

Maybe we tried but it was inevitable, maybe it was fate. While I still hold you in my heart, pressing your number, sending that message is just too painful now... I feel somehow even when answered it is unwanted or unexpected, there does not seem any joy left. But through all the pain and confusion, I will never forget our short time together. I will never forget who you are and I will be ever vigilant to keep you in my prayers, even if we never pass each other again, never finding a way to really become friends.

~ Daniel

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