I shake,
Lord I fight,
I am addicted to this sin,
This sin which has a hold on me.
I'm angry,
I'm mad,
For I have become a hypocrite Lord.
Where do I turn to Lord?
Who will keep me accountable Lord?
I need someone who understands my struggle,
But at the same time,
I need someone to push me,
Someone who will talk to me every day.
I sit there,
In that place of sin.
It starts off with a single thought,
A single hint of sin and expands.
I sit there,
And cannot stop until later.
Then it hits me once again that,
This is not who I am,
That this is a fake fulfillment,
That in the end,
This sin will not satisfy.
I see thoughts,
Pictures,
Images in my head,
Some old and some new.
The new fuel the old,
Putting me back to where I was,
So many years ago.
Back then I was lonely too,
And God got me through,
But look at what I've done,
I've gone back almost all the way.
I've changed back,
Into that person,
The one I am not,
The one I wish not to be,
One who distorts,
As so many do,
The Creation you made.
Where is my faith Lord?
Where is my trust?
I feel so fake,
A hypocrite,
Yet I cannot reveal my sins.
There are some who understand,
But others who would probably hate me,
Think ill of me forever.
If they knew what I have been doing,
Thinking,
Seeing,
They would think,
That’s who I am,
But it is not,
It is who I was,
Who I struggle now,
Inside,
Not to be.
Lord,
I am so lost,
So confused,
I thought I had it all together,
But I guess I was wrong.
I'm tired of looking at this sin,
Telling you and others I will try harder,
Try harder not to do it.
Trying is a sinful word,
That I know,
For one to try to quit sinning,
Is to leave room open for debate,
It leaves a little space for error,
It leaves a foothold,
A foothold we should not be willing to take.
I disgust myself,
I must disgust You as well.
I cannot imagine the disappointment,
The sorrow You must feel,
The sad and sorrowful look on Your face.
That I would choose this sin over You,
That I would choose anything over You.
There you are,
Always,
With Your arms wide open,
And I pass you by,
I leave You behind,
For sin.
You gave me life.
You have given me talents,
Do I use them?
I feel I don't do much for You anymore,
I felt for a while like you had left me behind,
But it was really I who left You.
All my poems,
All my writings,
All the things I know I should do,
All the ways I want to please You.
Yet all the thinking,
All the good ideas,
Come to nothing without the action,
The fruits,
The ways I show I love You.
And now they are very few,
Very distant,
Very far,
Seemingly clouded by the sin I commit,
The one I commit in Your face,
In Your eyes.
The sin I commit,
To the one who protects me,
The One who gave me life,
And sustains me.
What are words?
They are nothing without,
Without an action to follow behind them.
And here,
At this moment,
I hear my Savior's voice,
A quiet still small voice,
Ever so vague say:
"Go, And Sin No More"
~ Daniel Brockhan
