Regret

He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and looked at the time; he was astounded by how much time had gone by. It was now very late and while the conversation was wonderful, both the time and the hurried sound of rainfall was upon him. He wanted to stay... good grief he wished he could just stay there all night and into the morning, continuing this conversation, being there with her, but he knew he needed to go, needed to leave, if not now then he would be there all night, whether by the speeding of time and conversation or the flooding from the rain pounding outside.

He looked at her and said he needed to go; yes he used the word needed, not because he wanted to use it but because he felt he had to use it. Sure, it was early in that getting-to-know-you phase, sure he wanted to seem respectful, sure he didn’t want anyone (including her) to get the wrong opinion, but in his heart he wanted not to go; however, his feelings of duty forced him to answer "yeah, I need to go" when she said it was pouring outside and he could stay a while until the storm passed if he wanted. Why did she have to offer? Why did he feel he had to refuse?

He didn’t know it then but he would regret that decision for a long time, not because the rain was far worse than he wanted, not because his car got messed up; but because in his heart he truly wanted to stay, maybe should have stayed... spent the night in deep conversation, maybe held her hand, maybe just went to sleep on her couch as the rain, as the storm continued to pound its way.

But he didn’t... No, he was too proper, to predictable maybe to do such a thing, respectable in a good way; however, a way that may have messed things up for him. He always wonders, has wondered, and will wonder if things would have been different after that? Would she have seen him in a different light? Would he had taken better steps, better advances at getting to know her, letting her know him, even if only a little more, only a couple of hours. Would life be different, the same? He looks back on this event and on others like it and wonders what would be different?

He ponders the past but knows he can only try to be more ready in the future, more ready to take risks, less ready to let opportunities slide, and more ready to be bold when those situations come along. The past is behind and nothing can be done about the past... but the future waits. He can hear the rain pounding. He can hear his heart throbbing. He can hear his slurred breathing because he is nervous... and tries to convince himself... wants to convince himself that next time will be different, that who he was then is not who is now... that he has hopefully learned not to let those times pass by without taking hold of them, cherishing the moment, grasping for dear life, before finally letting them go and fall away, fall behind, and becoming the past once again.

~ Daniel

Remember When…

Remember when things were better between us,
When things seemed less complicated,
Less dramatic,
When we just connected
And things seemed good and right.

Remember when we danced in our hearts,
When we laughed,
When we were happy to just be near one another,
When our personalities connected and there was that vibe.

Remember when we had to be around one another
When time stood still
And other times it just went too fast.

Remember when things felt right
When we understood one another
Had faith and trust in one another.

Remember when we both would give and take
When we had reciprocity
And greed and pride seemed distant and absent.

Remember when things changed
How we both let it happen
We were overtaken by our fear,
By our insecurity
By our pride,
By our lack of humility

Remember when we were friends
Remember when we were even acquaintances

Do you even remember?
Have you already forgotten?
Am I a distant memory?
Am I a memory at all?

Remember When?

~ Daniel